Isn’t it strange how there seems to be a collective consciousness in the world. When you become aware of a particular issue, it seems to be everywhere. For me the past two weeks have been like that and I wish I could say that it was good, healthy and sexy, but it’s not! It’s been dark and heartbreaking.
In my world, sex is about pleasure and intimacy. It’s about having a strong bond with your partner and allowing your fantasies to be fulfilled in a safe and sane environment. It’s about trying new things, like lube, toys and new positions. But we all know that sex also has its dark side.
We know that sex is traded and trafficked and if you are selling sex of your own free will, then no one has the right to judge you and you should be protected. If you're being sold and trafficked by force you need even more protection and if you are a child being subjected to sexual abuse, the full force of the law and society should apply.
It all started at a Youth Day event I attended. It was wonderful and inspirational until I was told about a two-year-old that was dragged out of a drug den, high from sniffing glue. I have so many questions. The worst of which is, what were the adults doing to a stoned two-year-old?
It would be impossible to educate a two-year-old to say no to being fiddled with, but how hard can it be to educate society about how absolutely despicable it is to abuse a child?
My next interaction was with a group of young girls who in their desperation to be loved and belong will put up with the most deplorable treatment from boys of their age and older. I'm a firm believer that if we educated our children about sex from the day they are born and empowered them with real information about pleasure and responsibility and choice and consent, we could change the narrative.
If our children understood that the body behaves in certain ways when stimulated, with or without consent, then that natural bodily function cannot be used to convince, connive or blackmail.
Our natural bodily functions, like lubricating, is often used against us. So the abused lives with the shame, and the abuser gets away with it.
How many times have you asked - Why didn’t you tell someone? Why didn’t you report it? Why did you go with him? Why did you let him? The answer is almost always the same - because it wasn’t all bad, because without him my children won’t have food, because no one will believe me, because I deserved it. We accept it because we want to be loved, to belong and maybe this time the worst won’t happen, because he loves me.
Have you heard of #MiniMeToo? It’s a movement that was started by a remarkable group of people from Women and Men against Child Abuse. I had the privilege of meeting them recently. They are trying to change the narrative and shifting the shame, humiliation and blame on to the abuser.
I'm more convinced now than ever that it is vital for our children to be taught about sex from a young age, so they understand natural bodily reactions to prevent them from being lied to about what's happening to them. If we educate, we empower and then if an abuser says, "see you like it," you can reply, "my body is meant to enjoy it, asshole. You, however, are an abuser and should be ashamed you're making me do this."
I'm sure there's power in shining a light in dark places. Naming and shaming the abuser and stop asking the abused why they didn’t do anything about it. If we could empower children to understand sex is something to be savoured when they're ready, maybe the shame would shift to the abuser.
sharon@lolamontez.co.za