‘Tinder swindler’ cases are not as uncommon as we think, says SA psychiatrist who offers warning signs and tips
|Published
DURBAN - South African psychiatrist Professor Renata Schoeman has put together lists of warning signs and tips on how to safeguard yourself against people who swindle others on Tinder and other social media platforms.
This comes after the Netflix documentary The Tinder Swindler sparked debate, with some stating that the women should have known better.
Schoeman, who is the head of the MBA Health Care Leadership programme at the University of Stellenbosch Business School (USB), says it is not as straightforward as assuming the women were gullible.
The documentary tells the story of Israeli conman Shimon Hayut (also known as Simon Leviev), who wooed women and swindled his victims out of millions. He used the money swindled from one victim to woo the next with lavish gifts.
Schoeman said Hayut is obviously a charismatic man who knows just when to turn on the charm and when to display what appears to be genuine vulnerability.
“His deception has been thorough, luring his victims by going to great lengths to portray a credible profile of success and a lavish lifestyle that would attract their interest and admiration. It was all premeditated and extremely well planned,” she said.
Schoeman said Hayut has the ability to identify vulnerable targets. He has a predatory drive for domination, financial extortion and deceit.
“It’s enormously difficult to catch a psychopath in the act. They are pathological liars and purposefully deceive people to conceal their modus operandi. They strategically plan their deceitful stories and use their superficial charm to get one addicted, leaving you doubting your valid suspicions and ending up as the victim,” she said.
She said psychopaths are ruthless when pursuing something that they want, without any concern for those around them.
Many people will claim that this could never happen to them. However, Schoeman says cases such as these are not as uncommon as we think.
“Psychopathic behaviour is also not only reserved for romantic encounters; psychopaths stalk office corridors too, with lasting mental health impacts on their victims,” she said.
Schoeman lists warning signs to look out for:
- They can disengage and detach themselves from relationships just as quickly as they attached themselves in the first place. Due to their inability to truly connect with people, they will abruptly, coldly and ruthlessly drop anyone if they are not useful anymore.
- Superficial charm
- False, inflated sense of self driven by their disproportional ego.
- Entitlement
- A need to impress you or those they meet. Look out for patterns of steering or starting conversations that would positively influence your opinion of them.
- Incapacity to love or show remorse.
- Excessive impulsivity, and at times, reckless behaviour.
- Sudden rages when you cross them or things don’t go their way. However, they display cool, calculated calmness in times when other people might be under stress.
- Constant conversations about their own achievements and good fortune, with a preference to discussions that centre around the materialistic. Most people have holistic conversations – something they read, about their family or friends or their journey in life.
- Patterns of calculated manipulation of people or situations in order for their own benefit.
- Look out for body language – we all mimic behaviour in that if someone, for example, speaks softly you will too. Psychopaths lack empathy, so they will be oblivious to signs like these, and will not adjust to the situation.
- Unstable or lack of relationships. Psychopaths are not able to maintain friendships, don’t have good ties with their families and have no mutually appreciative long-term connections. Their relationships are shallow and purely for the short-term in order to reach their self-serving goal.
- Psychopaths would rarely share their journey, goals or dreams with you. They have a calculated plan and want to make sure you are not privy to this information in case you become suspicious or worse, you steal their idea.
Tips on how to safeguard yourself:
- If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
- In romantic relationships, keep some mystery about yourself and refrain from sharing too much, too soon.
- Don’t move too fast in a relationship – even if he has a jet, take your time before joining him on a trip.
- Trust your gut – if you feel that you are being manipulated, you probably are.
- Seek out the opinion of your friends and family, and in the office context, your colleagues or a mentor. They can be objective and offer perspective to help you stay true to yourself.
- Romance can literally sweep one off one’s feet! But try to stay level-headed, maintain your independence and don’t attach yourself to this person’s life too quickly.
- If you suspect anything untoward, keep a record of all communications.
- Never part with your personal information or money at the start of a new relationship. One can offer support without putting yourself at risk.
THE MERCURY